Good enough for a chicken, good enough for you.

Good enough for a chicken, good enough for you.

This is the first part of a series on how to eat in the event of another Amway presidency, when the shelves in the grocery stores are empty, or rather, when the doors are out and out fucking locked. You may have noticed these dun lumps gracing your yard, if you aren’t struggling to load your kids and pets up with hepatoxic fungicides in order to savor that “golf course green” and the privelege of outliving your offspring by a couple years.

After all, leukemia is nothing compared to the scorn of a homeowner’s association.

We’ve all got to eat, and there are instances in history where  otherwise sensible folks have been forced to consume the shoes off their feet.  Sometimes they continued on to the fingers and toes before they realized they’d reduced themselves to a life of begging and remorseless penury in the best case once things started “looking up”, and then, typically, the natural process of turning inward and dying asserted itself. But this is fucking America and it doesn’t have to be that way, if you have the balls to stand up to your neighbors, and you have a yard.

Mushrooms can add significant amounts of vitamin B and proteins to a starvation diet, but they can also leave you suffering a grisly, protracted, painful death, worse than simple starvation, or virtually any other means of quitting this earth.  So you really want to be certain to exercise a kind of extraordinary care and judgment you might not have when your glycemic index is low. Try chewing a small amount of flesh from a relatively unused digit before tackling the more equivocal complex fungi, because even disciplined mycologists have been found embarrassingly bloated in otherwise pleasant glades, or worse, straddling  kitchen furniture in breathtaking attitudes of agonic rigor mortis.

But there’s no need for worry. It’s really quite safe, and nutritious, once you get the hang of it.

THE SCIENTIFIC APPROACH

1. EAT THINGS THAT BUGS AND CHICKENS EAT

Admittedly, bugs and chickens eat things we would ordinarily regard as unsavory, but watch them carefully before you eat them, and they will give you yet one more key to nature’s bounty.

B. What’s that you say? Your neighborhood covenant won’t let you have chickens?

C. A neighbor can make a meal in a pinch, especially if he’s been on your arse about your fucking chickens. Boil thoroughly, serve with ramps.

D. His garden furniture can be dismantled and sharpened to enable you to forage for household pets.

2. AVOID PENIS SHAPED MUSHROOMS

A. Some people will be able to recognize the edible morel immediately, but when in a state of advanced starvation, it’s often best to avoid situations requiring judgement. This simple rule will let you

B.live to search for food another day.

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