I’ve been working on a story whose cast of characters includes a Republican husband and wife who are suffering through a shortage of masochists to lure into a psychotic web of kink (at least that’s what the fifties era dust jacket would have said if they’d discussed such things). They’re Sinatra/ Sam Giancana era pop fans whose favorite act is a husband and wife team best known for their duets, based loosely on Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé. But this couple, Enzio and Inez  Coliti, are extremely, maybe even criminally, passive-aggressive.  It’s melodically similar to “I’ve got you under my skin”.  It  may need  a chorus.

So without further ado , from their 1966 Lever Bros. release,  ‘An Evening With the Colitis’,  here’s Enzio and Inez with “I Can’t Forgive You.”

I can’t forgive you

You’re always a minx.

Hands down you’re the stoniest gal

since the Gyps built the Sphinx

You bust my bubble with trouble

Each time it inflates

Forgive me but I can’t forgive you, we’ll never be mates.

I can’t forgive you

You’re never on time

You never bother to phone me or drop me a line

I’d never trouble to get me a bubble so small

Forgive me but I can’t begin to forgive you at all.

I can’t live with you

I can’t live without

I want you to do what I want you to do

Without having to grovel or shout

Seems to me that I’m offering the best loaves and fishes

But you’re just a soupçon of doubt

I can’t live with you

So get the hell out!

I just adore you

I never would switch

Except for the switchblade

I’d plant in your back

You miserable son of a bitch

Believe me, I wouldn’t leave you

until I can heave you right off of a bridge

I just adore you

I just abhor you

I just adore you

So let’s jump the ditch!