Last night my wife and I attended the Roxboro Jaycees candidates’ forum out of an admixture of curiosity and malice. We’re already acquainted with the policy positions of the candidates we’re going to vote for, but there is one fake Democrat, Dalton Huff, who hasn’t appeared at any of our Democratic Party meetings, and he ducked out of a chance to speak at the NAACP forum last week, so we went in part to hear how he’s hangin’ these days. Not too long ago he was karaokeing Nathan Bedford Forrest’s greatest hits.

There’s also Shari Lewis and lambchop Sandy Berry, a Republican who, like Dalton Huff, hails from the Southern end of neighboring Granville County, and who’s been tapped by the Lord himself to bring a message of unity to beagles and white Baptist people. Dalton Huff, on the other hand, was visited by the one armed ghost of Stonewall Jackson, whose suggestion to “stop and rest in the shade of the trees” was interpreted by Huff as a call to reverse the process of human evolution. I would have skipped the event, but this is where history is made, one beagle length pellet at a time, and I’d be kicking myself if I wasn’t there to watch the Republicans gnaw those pellets.

I’d be remiss if I failed to note another factor in my decision to attend with camera and notepad. I have a personal vendetta against one of the Republican candidates for NC House District 2 going all the way back to 2008, when he and the Republican member of the Person county Board of Elections (Leigh Woodall) approached me during early voting, where I was handing out sample ballots for Democratic voters.

“Are you from around here?” They axed.

I thought this was a funny question, seeing as how Larry Yarborough is from Louisiana, went to school at Tulane, and worked for the oil industry for several years before washing up in Person County with nothing to do but run for office every goddamn two years.

I live on Cunningham Road, I offered, even though I didn’t owe either of them any kind of explanation, and they had just stepped into the “dead to me” zone of assholes I wouldn’t piss on if they were offering gold bars for golden showers.

So here are the Republicans and their fellow travelers more or less in order of appearance, with a brief, mangled, introductory descriptive quote from Daniel O’Connell to set them up, because really, it makes it easier and I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart.

1. Good God, what a brute man becomes when ignorant

John Greg “Old Gregg” Bass (NC House District 2)

Shorter: How dare anybody suggest Republicans engage in voter suppression voting rights act of 1965 my daddy was in a German prison camp I am not a Nazi if you can’t drive seventy minutes to get to work you don’t deserve a job I will cut taxes and increase teacher pay does this yaller tie make my head look a ass? I love America and Person county and I hope you will remember me, John Greg “Old Gregg” Bass. Have you ever drank Bailey’s from a shoe?

2. There is an utter ignorance of, and indifference to, modest women’s fashion, and the role of domestic animals in politics.

Sandra Berry (NC House District 2)

(I could not get an image of Sandy Berry, because she exists on a plane apart from us mortals, but try this if you’re really, really curious {her site has a bunch of autoplay stuff}).

Shorter:You can remember my name cause it’s like strawberries Jesus told me to run and we will all be happy in the Lord I love animals and they are on my campaign I am a small business I graduated from the institute of design and I design modest clothes for young women and women who are not young you may be familiar with my “Burlap” line. I don’t know everything but my God does. God God God. God-um-goodnight, and may God bleth.

3. No man was ever a good soldier but the man who goes into battle tanked up on Xanax and corn likker.

Larry Yarborough (NC House District 2)

Shorter: I am a engineer I reproduced myself I will fight to protect the sanctity of life and your right to kill a stranger with the pistol of your choice….

(Long moment of silence here.)


(-he’s somewhere around Barstow and the drugs are beginning to kick in?)…..



Jobs jobs jobs. Thank you for your vote.

4. No man knows better than you do that the proliferation of useless degrees and shiftless blacks is the sole and blighting curse of the Confederacy Person County.

Dalton Huff (NC House District 2)

Shorter: Some smartass reporter asked me why I’m running as a Democrat and I tole him a handshake is a man’s bond and we are standing on the soil my parents planted tobacco but cotton was more money I went to school at Campbell for the gubbement and I have vowed to fight the useless diploma ever since.

5. The principle of my political life is to leave the county even worse than I found it.

Kyle “Nubbers” Puryear (County commisioner)


Shorter: What is wrong with this county when we can find the money to repair buildings but can’t find the money for fireworks on the fourth of Jew-lie!?