When my wife and I first moved to Person County, we knew it would be a rotten borough, much the same as the wretched hive of inbred scum and villainy we’d just departed in rural Northern Granville County, but we’d at least be isolated from most of its excesses on our hundred-plus acre plot.

But to borrow a famous phrase, you may not be interested in scum and villainy, but they are interested in you. When the hive gets to the point where they’re writing the law in the name of Jesus and Jeff Davis, you know you need to get off your ass and start throwing rocks and bottles at them, even if it only drives them back under that slimy rock for one election cycle.

Well, the shit’s hit the fan once again here in old secessionist, white separatist, goober owned-goober led Person County, and it’s a sixty five gallon bucket of shit embodied by one Republican county commissioner Kyle Puryear


hitting an even larger industrial sized fan, Republican DA “George” Wallace Bradsher:

It seems that for the second time, Kyle’s been caught drinking himself half to sleep before wedging himself behind the wheel of his white gilt-trimmed Mercedes and counting potholes along the all too familiar roads of his upbringing. Law enforcement authorities unfairly assumed he was shitfaced because he was conducting his nighttime visual survey on both sides of the road. They stopped him and arrested him, in what was obviously part of Obama’s overreach into the hinterlands of drunkass, white, beach music lovin’ America.
The Sheriff’s deputy who stopped him cannot be reached for comment, partly because he is attending an extended Rastaman vibration picnic in Bushy Fork, and partly because there is an information blackout on Kyle Puryear’s drinking and driving habits, as long as Kyle makes it to the DA before local news outlets start stirring up shit, and in this case, even after.

Who could blame Kyle for phoning up his family’s pocket DA, except for the people who might blame him for not phoning up his family’s pocket DA and asking for a ride to the Chubb Lake Liquor House and Fake Crabmeat Steak Surprise Champagne Breakfast before he could try and will himself there by hypnosis/ Mercedes?

Well, the Republicans already know who to blame. Kyle was set up by the man! The man poured that sweet, sweet liquor down his throat, knowing he was already on the radar for being a weaponized steamy lipid-based Republican. And they knew he was utterly defenseless aside from his broad generational family connections and the umbilical cord he shares with the county DA and the Roxboro Courier-Times owner/ideologue Brinn Clayton.

What none of us could have foreseen was Puryear’s ties to the Kochs, who got the story killed in the state press.

Here’s a portion of the Facebook feed after the Republicans got ABC WTVD 11 to suspend their coverage, and erase their original report:

Connie Wood Slaughterposted to‎ABC11 WTVD
Do you ever follow up on the questions asked here?? What is the need to post if no follow up. Still wondering if the old saying is true, “not what you know but who you know!

Connie Wood Slaughterposted to‎ABC11 WTVD
April 26
What happened to the story concerning the DUI that Kyle Puryear, Person Country commissioner, recently received?. Is it being swept under the rug? Have not heard anything about it except what was reported by channel 11 the other morning!!!

nnifer Johnson Teasleyposted to‎ABC11 WTVD
April 25
i would like more information on Person County’s County Commissioner Kyle Puryear and his recent trouble. He is up for re-election. It was on the news but not on website.
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Eric Moore likes this.

Doris Johnson When I went on website states no results for Kyle Puryear wasn’t it going across the bottom of the tv that he had been arrested for DUI ?

I Love beach music. I always have and I always will.

EDIT: Aaaannnd finally!

Commissioner Kyle Puryear facing DWI charge
By tim chandler
Courier-Times editor

A Person County commissioner was charged with driving while
impaired last week after the vehicle he was driving was
stopped on Mountain Road, east of Roxboro, at approximately
10:30 p.m.

Commissioner Kyle Puryear, 33, of 10514 Virgilina Rd. was
cited, according to his arrest report, for driving while
impaired and driving left of center. He was released after
posting a $1,000 secured bond.

Puryear, who is in his eighth year of serving as a county
commissioner, is scheduled to appear in Person County
District Court on June 24.

“I first would like to say I regret any embarrassment this
event may have caused the people of our county,” Puryear
wrote in a statement he released to The Courier- Times
Tuesday. “The past few days have been very difficult for
myself and my family.

“I would like to thank those who have offered their very
kind words of encouragement and I promise this will in no
way hinder my duties and I will keep on focusing on the key
issues that are facing this county,” Puryear added.
“Over the past eight years, I have been very thankful that
the residents of this great county have allowed me to serve

“I ask that my actions in the boardroom and my involvement
in our community serve as a reflection as to what type of
person I am,” Puryear concluded.

Deputy Mark Harris reported that he was patrolling on
Leasburg Road when he observed a white Chevrolet Malibu with
an inoperable license plate tag light driving through a
traffic light at the intersection of Long Avenue. Harris
reportedly followed the vehicle, which was driven by
Puryear, onto Madison Boulevard and eventually onto Depot

According to Harris’ report, the vehicle “crossed
over” the centerline twice on Depot Street, which turns
into Mountain Road at the city limits.

Puryear reportedly registered a .13 blood alcohol content
(BAC) on multiple Breathalyzer tests, which were
administered at the scene of the traffic stop on Mountain
Road and at the Person County Law Enforcement Center.

Officer Chris Lynch with the Roxboro Police Department
reportedly administered Puryear’s BAC tests.