Drinky swamp tater Louisiana Larry Yarborough has some things a’ sittin on his mind what’s about to drive him to plumb his undergraduate library for his copy of Edith Hamilton’s mythology and search for some phrases that will jump out and strangle the demons that keep interrupting his stump speech right there in the middle of it and making him look like that time his frat made him eat some jimson weed and sent him to the liquor store with the grocery list printed on his T-shirt.

He knows there’s some talk going on about a bunch of things, and he wants you to know talk is cheap, except for money talk. What matters are income streams that pop up like magic when you know which hands to shake and which hands to try and bite, when to pretend to know what you’re talking about, and when to shut up and let your father-in-law take over.

I’ll let Larry take it from here, seein’ as he’s bout give himself both the writer’s cramp and the writer’s block within the space of a couple of tortured paragraphs. Let’s stand back and watch him suffer for his art:


Myths & rumors
Where’s the story?

To the editor:

It is easy to see why people are confused about what is happening in Raleigh.

There are a lot of myths and rumors out there and the recent commentary that appeared on the Editorial Page was clearly confused by several of them.

That there commentary shore is easy confuse about Raleigh, as I is a confuse me about languaging.

He seems to think that the K-12 budget has been cut. The truth is that the K-12 budget has been a priority in recent years and has seen the largest increases since the recession. Teacher pay has been put front and center in the budget this year.

Well just because a budget’s been cut don’t mean you’ve got to think it’s been cut, and git all uppity about having to buy paper and pencils for them young’uns to doodle on before they leave this county to find a grift of their own. Let me tell you about my home state and how we don’t even have public schools so much as a place for the mosquitoes to feed and how long it took me to find that sweet, sweet nectar of perennial candidacy for public office right here in your home and my opportunity, Roxboro NC.

Kids don’t need that much schoolin’ anyway. If you need a book to find a titty, you done been corrupted by demon science anyway.

He writes that workers paid into the unemployment insurance pool. Unemployment insurance is a tax that businesses pay to support laid off workers for a short time following layoff. It is not a retirement program and it was being sustained with borrowed money.

You know all them jobs that used to be around here that your former employers shipped off to Chiner? Well you don’t need to feed them kids while you try and find another one so much as you need to take whatever cleaning or digging work the folks up here at the lake’ll throw at you out of their natchel charitability. You ask for too much. I didn’t move here from Louisiana to pay a bunch a damn taxes.

He seems to think that the coal ash has damaged the state’s water supply, while there has been no evidence of any harm to anyone’s water.

Arsenic, beryllium, boron, cadmium, chromium, cobalt, lead, manganese, mercury, molybdenum, selenium, strontium are major food groups where I come from, in Louisiana. How do you think David Vitter stays strong enough to bang him some strange for pay and keep that leather dominatrix of a wife of his from suing his diaper wearing ass off in a messy divorce?

Arsenic, beryllium, boron, cadmium, chromium, cobalt, lead, manganese, mercury, molybdenum, selenium, and strontium !!!

Duke Energy has stepped up and put major efforts into measuring and mitigating the effects of the spill and is working on long-term solutions to the storage of the coal ash.

They done found up some brick and bricked up the big pipe that was leaking, cause ain’t nothing plugs up a leaky pipe like brick.

Next time you drain your bathtub, set a brick over the drain. Water cain’t make her through. We Duke Energy done positioned earth movers and other big machines near the Schoolfield dam and have been waiting to move them back over to the plant as soon as y’all shut your damn whinin’ about drinkin’ water.

In Lousiana, we’ll drink whatever the lord’ll give us.

He has heard that there are “unaffordable fees to obtain documents.” Because a photo ID is necessary in so many aspects of life, the state is bending over backwards to identify people who might not have IDs and help them get an ID for free.

The state has bent so far over backwards looking for a place waaaaay out in the country for you to get a ID it has stuck its head plumb up its cracker asshole. And them yankees a comin’ down here tryin to help your grandma get a ID cause she ain’t drove a car since 1978 just don’t understand how we do democracy here in Louisiana Person County.

It is a myth that more people will crowd the emergency rooms without the big Medicaid expansion. The truth is, more people go to the expensive ER for minor ailments with Medicaid expansion.

If you start treating “the least of these” like they’re part of the human community, the next thing you know they’ll have their snotnose young’uns up at my wife’s hospital and there won’t be a god damned thing we can do to turn them away.

Medicaid is already the most “out of control” program that the taxpayers of North Carolina face. In today’s news of one-line sound bites, it is hard not to be confused. While we are being held back by the policies of the federal government, North Carolina is doing better than most of the nation under our present leadership.

Those federal taxes that you’ve been paying ought to go to some other state, because we’re throwing us a tea party shit hemorrhage down here right now, and we won’t stop till they raise that Confederate flag over the state capitol agin. I don’t give a good god damn how green that yankee money is, if I cain’t git to it first!

We can help many more people by controlling taxing, spending, and regulations, so that our businesses can thrive and create jobs that help the most people, while we can provide direct assistance to the truly needy.

One way we can help the truly needy is to direct public funds to purchase one of my daddy-in-law’s old properties cause it’s about to burn a goddamn hole in his pocket just to see it standing there vacant and takin’ his attention off his golf swing. His headache becomes your new SENIOR CENTER! You see how that works? It’s what we used to call baksheesh in Louisiana, until it got to soundin’ too Muslimy, and governor Bob Denver had to back off.

Baton Rouge Roxboro