Roxboro NC: Republicans protesting the arrest of former BOE member Leigh Woodall are demanding answers regarding the status of his white privilege card, and his treatment in full public view of assembled Democratic early voters, many of whom will remember the incident wistfully for the rest of their lives.

After conducting an initial investigation, Internal Affairs officers noted that “Subject Leigh Woodall, described by officer as a pear shaped sweaty anger bear became belligerent after pulled for stop sign violation. Officer warned subject to calm down whereupon subject violated arrestee protocol by asking officer Do you know who the f—I am?” Whereupon subject was zip tied while staring at close range at hood of officer’s car.

Officer stated that subject might have reached for officer’s gun, but also might not have. Tests for marijuana, powdered cocaine, crack cocaine, methamphetamine, bath salts, tar process heroin, LSD and psilocybin were inconclusive, whereas traces of Viagra, Red Bull, and Lipitor were in evidence prior to lab work.

Subject may or may not have been captured minutes previously on a Shell Station video camera shoplifting several packages of Ex-Tenze, two bottles of Johnny Bootleggers’ Green Apple Nightmare, and several Honey-Bun cakes.