You know, fuck this blogging thing. Once you actually connect with people you might know, you can’t say what you mean. I never realized how many liberals are swapping spit with the people who’d eat their dumbass frat-friendly babies until I tailored my work to the locals. Well fuck the shit out of that. To think I dreamed that one day I’d be able to breathe that rarefied air where no one you hung out with was burrowing their head in someone’s ass for a better job, or selling their god-given soul for a muscle-fuck with a lake hog just makes me long for a great plague, in which I have the privilege of vomiting my guts up first.

That said, here are some handy homeowner tips I’ve picked up over a chilly-billy winter.

1.You lumbersexuals better make sure you don’t have a predisposition to MS, or getting firewood to heat your thermapaned windowed bunnyshack will put you in the grave quicker than raw nicotene and DMSO.

2.The earth is simultaneously on fire and freezing. It’s a flaming ball of ice. You cannot live on it.

3.If you are raising sheep for meat, eat them as soon as they come out of the ass, because you are otherwise in for a world of stupid.

4.Cattle will eat hay. What they really want is no one’s guess. My bull likes to be scratched suggestively just above the anus.

I would not know this, but I was trying to figure out what he wanted.

5.The country life will alter your view of interpersonal relationships in such a way you won’t have any.