I grew up in the sixties and seventies, and I’ve had ample occasion to witness candidates vie for the title of “dumbest living motherfucker”. There was the guy at an LSD drenched party who took off his shirt and climbed through a raging twenty foot bonfire and only suffered damage to his mullet. I think someone said his name was “Pig”. There was a guy who stiffed the Hell’s Angels on a drug deal and boasted to his “friend” about it, whereupon his friend shot him in the head, collected a whopping EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS for the hit, and was caught by the police after having left an EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLAR trail from the site of the slaying to just over the border with the next state. It took him that much money to get to Wise, VA.

I knew a guy who spent months preparing to interview with the CIA. He hailed a cab after the interview, and lucked into a miracle cab right away. The driver asked him what he’d been doing. “I’ve been interviewing for a job with the CIA.”*

I’ve seen motherfuckers so stoned they tried to inhale from the Teflon bowl end of a bong and cauterized their face to it for what must have been for them a seemingly eternal shimmering white hell of excruciating maxillofacial agony.

I spent six? seven? years getting an undergraduate degree in history because I knew I was going to make shit tons of money anyway as an avatar of the exciting new genre of Punk/Prog. I know from stupid. Or I thought I did, until tonight.

Tonight, I went to a meeting of our local DEMOCRATIC WOMEN and listened to a Berniebro douchebag candidate for state house explain why he will never support HILLARY CLINTON on the day that Senator Sanders announced he is endorsing HILLARY CLINTON.

I have a question for all you motherfuckers my age who begat a bunch of Harry Potter shit-eating Pokemon-chasing white nullities. Have you taken a light cord and used it as an impromptu tourniquet for your gummy pink choad yet?

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK ON THAT.

 

*NEVER HEARD FROM CIA AGAIN.

Advertisements