The Republicans in this town closed ranks and denied us our first couple of picks for headquarters. The names and the motives bubbled up as they’re wont to do in a little town slightly beyond the reach of liberal prosperity and its concomitant symptoms of good food, music and fun. It was no surprise to those of us who’ve had to look into the dull eyes of Leigh Woodall at an early voting location, asking us where we’re from, who’s paying us, who’s giving us the endless salad bar at some place other than Dave Newell’s failed country club.

But nobody’s paying us anything except us. We get money for work sometimes. I know it’s a fucking miracle, but if you shift your ass you can shake some dollars out of the people who are naturally inclined to strangle you, and you can funnel those same dollars into defeating the people who seem to be committed, heart and soul, to restricting the flow of cash to a bunch of fuckers whose children spend their days driving speedboats into immovable objects under the supervision of the Duke University Athletics Department.

Let me just say that I, personally, have looked into the eyes of Leigh Woodall. It was in the 2008 election, and it was finally dawning on Republicans that they’d fucked their last dog for a while.

Leigh must have started to equate the stream of black voters coming to the Person County Library to cast their vote with the demons who have been haunting his brain since the implementation of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. He walked up to me and gave me his best rendition of an old white guy trying to be frightening-

Where ya from, boy?

He needed work. A few more improv classes, a little less Sansabelt.

A soul would have helped.

In a way, it’s too bad many of these people will be dead within this decade. Oral histories will suffer the greatest loss.

One day, children will ask me “What was it like to grow up among so much stupid, so much hatred?” And I will be forced to disappoint them, saying “God is all in the forgetting, darling. May we all be forgotten.”

Between October 1966 and June 1969, 246,000 soldiers were recruited through Project 100,000, of which 41% were black, while blacks only made up about 11% of the population of the US.[56] Of the 27 million draft-age men between 1964 and 1973, 40% were drafted into military service, and only 10% were actually sent to Vietnam. This group was made up almost entirely of either work-class or rural youth. College students who did not avoid the draft were generally sent to non-combat and service roles or made officers, while high school drop-outs and the working class were sent into combat roles. Blacks often made up a disproportionate 25% or more of combat units, while constituting only 12% of the military.[54][58] (Wiki)

The chickens are older than us, and wiser to nature. But they’re also stupid. My dear friend Skinnerbox has gone to feed the Foxes.
I will miss her because when I was drunk or hungover and I stretched myself out on a blanket in the garden while my wife dug potatoes, Skinnerbox would visit me and ask me to comb the mites from her wattles.
I can’t describe the phenomenon of an intelligent chicken to a layman.
She was both aggressive and loving, in a sort of sine wave pattern you had to watch for, or she’d make you bleed.

When I was recovering from an arm injury, she’d jump in my lap and straddle that injured arm. ( It was warm. Still, you need a chicken.)

She likely went to feed the same fox that ate her mother lo these many years ago, or one of that fox’s kits.

I have been watching our most recently donated pet push his weight in grass ahead of him today, and it’s all thanks to my fucking “humanity”. I had a fond hope we were done with pigs, but this world offers only oddly familiar surprises, and if you have had pigs, it seems your ass must only suffer more.

It is because god is committed to fuck with his spawn we must contend with hogs and their enablers. You pork eaters started this shit and I blame you. If you’re going to eat these fuckers you really need to be more ravenous. Hike up your britches and comb the woods. Clear the American wilderness of these interlopers.

I’ll give you one reason to stop the proliferation of these creatures. It has nothing to do with me being a vegetarian who thinks the whole of humanity is a lost cause- one who would torch the lot, including vegetarians. It’s because when you are alone and enfeebled in he dark and cold of a Mid-Atlantic evening, they will rove from their home base and make you the template for their meal of something and goddamn acorns.

Ask some pathetic fucker from the Civil War who found himself wounded and being eaten by hogs at nightfall. He would ask you why he was fighting Yankees instead of hogs. He would look into the eyes of God as some feral hogs dragged his guts across the field at Shiloh and say “You’re in it for the pigs, you bastard!”

He’s almost there. Not cutting yet.

According to Pat McCrory, these are the pomes that clinched the lariat prize for the new cloudwatcher of North Carolina. Says McCrory, “Her pomes display a wealth of humanity that is only matched by her willingness to open her wallet. Sure, she talks about the scum in the cities and knocks ‘em down a peg or two, but in that respect, she’s giving a voice to my voiceless employers at Duke Energy, as well as the guys down at the Jiffy Lube.”

When words are horses, turned to glue.

FAME is a fickle food
Upon a shifting plate,
I owe my fame to Pat
Whose taste ain’t all that great.
I sprung to publish my own books
With precious, hoarded cash,
Sold a dozen to my relatives
Who threw them in the trash.
But I sent one to Pat
With my campaign donation
And now I am the lariat
And can has validation!

Because I could not stop for Apex

I like Fuquay-Varina
It’s smack in Carolina
A short drive from Raleigh
And Springs what’s made of Holly.
I don’t go to Durham
Cause people there is black.

Between the end of the Chatterly ban, and burning the Beatles’ LPs.

They fuck you up, the colleges.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They make you read humanities
And stuff by some old Jews.

But they were fucked by liberals
Who rarely watch football
And wouldn’t know a beer bong
From a three-way in the hall

They hand humanities on down
Those wads of books on every shelf
Some had itty bitty print
I did not read any myself.

Straight out of the bastard heart of too hot, too stupid Louisiana, comes the fart-echo of segregationist rhetoric we’ve come to expect from its meandering weedy son, Swamp Tater Yarborough.

He’s taken to the pages of The Roxboro Ragpicker’s Griftsheet Courier Times again to recommence his war against the NAACP, or as it will be referred to in the history books, every third issue of the paper until he got his ass whupped in the general election.

Supplementing his strategy of reaching back to the good old days of the Night Riders and “the canker suppuration of defeat*”, Swamp Tater does his best Nathan Bedford Forrest+ Ayn Rand= Ronald Reagan wowing the dead Nazis at Bitburg Cemetery.

He’s at least discovered the virtue of brevity, if not of intellect, so as cross burnings go, it’s not much more of a flame than your average drinky Hyco Lake barbecue. It’s an earnest effort to combine equal parts greed and racism and transmute shit into gold, but it fails because it’s a Republican talking about money, and the last time we let Republicans handle the money, we had to kiss four to six trillion dollars’ ass goodbye.

So go ahead, Tater, tell us why you think we can’t have nice things. Show us those tits!

‘More and better jobs come with more and better businesses’

To the editor:

In the Wednesday, July 2 edition, the NAACP advocated that if the tax cut on the “wealthy” were repealed then there would be plenty of money for social welfare programs.

We’ll try and decipher this Louisianglish for you as painlessly as possible, even though it’s a little hard to get past “advocated that…” It comes from the Cajun “Avoir votre avocat parler à la mienne. Je dois lui payer le cul trop autant qu’il est.”

Or roughly

“I’m paying my lawyer out the ass to sit on his all day. You might as well have yours call mine.”

The tax cut for the “wealthy” is actually a tax cut on businesses and made North Carolina competitive with Virginia and South Carolina in taxing businesses.

The tax cut on Art Pope was actually a tax cut on Family Dollar, which is why Family Dollar is being sold for pennies on the dollar to whatever schmuck wants to own a few dozen warehouses full of cheap Chinese shit. Note the phrase “Competitive with Virginia and South Carolina” What’s this? The Winston Cup of cousinfucking?

North Carolina had some of the highest taxes on businesses in the south.

North Carolina also had one of the highest unemployment rates in the whole nation.

Since the tax cut on businesses, North Carolina’s unemployment rate dropped at one of the fastest rates in the nation and North Carolina is a top-five business location.

The Bush recession, instigated partly by tax cuts on the wealthiest Americans, partly because a disastrous pair of wars, a lack of a regulated banking and housing sector, and Bush’s “Super Deal!” of “innovative financial instruments” was a real kick in the balls, alright. Obama’s dug us out despite all that, in the face of slobbering Neoconfederate teamonkey opposition. Take your “stupid hat” off.

North Carolina will be a top 5 business location until the Republicans finish dismantling the State University system that Democrats built.

While the tax cut is not the only thing that the Republicans have done to help businesses, it is a very important part of the economic improvement.

I’ll just let David Stockman, the director of the Reagan Administration’s Office of Management and Budget discuss the effect of your beloved trickle down bullshit:

IF there were such a thing as Chapter 11 for politicians, the Republican push to extend the unaffordable Bush tax cuts would amount to a bankruptcy filing. The nation’s public debt — if honestly reckoned to include municipal bonds and the $7 trillion of new deficits baked into the cake through 2015 — will soon reach $18 trillion. That’s a Greece-scale 120 percent of gross domestic product, and fairly screams out for austerity and sacrifice. It is therefore unseemly for the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, to insist that the nation’s wealthiest taxpayers be spared even a three-percentage-point rate increase.

More fundamentally, Mr. McConnell’s stand puts the lie to the Republican pretense that its new monetarist and supply-side doctrines are rooted in its traditional financial philosophy. Republicans used to believe that prosperity depended upon the regular balancing of accounts — in government, in international trade, on the ledgers of central banks and in the financial affairs of private households and businesses, too. But the new catechism, as practiced by Republican policymakers for decades now, has amounted to little more than money printing and deficit finance — vulgar Keynesianism robed in the ideological vestments of the prosperous classes.

What Stockman is saying, is he, too, has finally realized the only way Republicans know how to get money is to be born into it, steal it or marry it, or some combination of the three.

We all want to help people who are suffering through hard times and I believe that the best way to help the most of them is with more and better jobs.

You don’t help people suffering through hard times with racist political posturing, or by handing public monies to your relatives, or going on a bender and driving anything, real or metaphorical, into a ditch.

More and better jobs come with more and better businesses.

Which the Democrats have brought, and always will. A vote for a Republican is a vote for widespread poverty. Always has been.


New Orleans, LA

*William Faulkner, on why the Gulf states inherently suck ass.

The brain trust behind the Person County Republican Party, the woman behind the men Swamp Tater Yarborough and Kyle “cloud of flaming ethanol” Puryear has done sat right down and wrote her own self a letter in her own inimitable tongue for the Roxboro Swap & Shop Courier Times with an eye to enlightening us to the shortcomings of peer reviewed science as opposed to her “The bestest science is the science I believe!” science.

It was a good day for her. She found the box containing the crayons and large yellow pencil and set to work putting some words down in a vaguely recognizable syntactical simulacrum. It was like a vanilla frosted cake of Republican words, and she barely managed to get it in the mailbox afore she slipped up and eat it. Again.

When she’s not busy texting Kyle at the County Commissioners’ meetings to help him appear more cogent than his alcoholic haze might otherwise suggest, PJ Gentry is combing the pages of and the NRO online for the hard sciences they’re less known for, as opposed to the race science they’re infamous for. And it’s done give her the fantods how much sciencing is going on with a rebel yell.

I’ll let her take it from here, because it would be a dirty shame to steal what little thunder she could squeeze onto that large margined paper. My only critique would be that it is a far easier thing to write using a hand than a foot, but that’s more of a style over substance issue.

‘Let’s continue to be good stewards of the resources we have’
To the editor:
In a recent letter, a resident wrote of concerns about the news headlines in the N&O about Medicaid cuts, harmful fracking practices, and global warming and I decided to investigate those claims.

I have an associate’s degree in claim investigatin’ from The University of What Scientists Don’t Want You To Know. I keep it in a box with my crayons and my yaller pencil.

First, the N&O is known to be a liberal, progressive news organization, promoting socialist ideology.

If that liberal progressive socialist Art Pope don’t start exercising some control over his paper it’s like to go full communist fascist muslin!

Here is what else I discovered:
• Expanding the current Medicaid program would cost the state $3.1 billion over the next 10 years. This would also have to be paid back. The conservative leadership in N.C. opted to not take out the loan and burden the citizens with higher taxes and is looking for alternative solutions.

Editor’s note: Ahem, dumbfuck. We’re paying that money anyway. Your genius teamonkey state legislature just gave our federal taxes to other states who were only too happy to take it. I repeat. We paid those taxes so your teatard legislature could throw a shit fit and give that money away. Kentucky’s Medicare Exchange is enjoying the hell out of our money! If I were you, I would avoid any further discussion of this because it makes you appear even stupider. You might want to google KYNECT for old Kyle so he don’t look as drunk.

• Fracturing fluid is 99.5 percent water, 9.5 percent sand, 0.5 percent sodium chloride (table salt), ethylene glycol (used in household cleaners), borate salts (used in cosmetics), sodium/ potassium carbonate (used in detergents), guar gum (used in ice cream, isopropanol (used in deodorant).

This isn’t fracking fluid! It’s Kyle Puryear and Swamp Tater Yarborough’s “corn likker sweet-em-up”.

Here’s a list of (some of) the constituent chemicals in fracking fluid:
Chemical Name / Purpose
2-Butoxyethanol / Product stabilizer
Acetaldehyde / Prevents the corrosion of the pipe
Acetic Acid / Adjusts the pH of fluid to maintains the effectiveness of other components, such as crosslinkers
Acetic Acid / Prevents precipitation of metal oxides
Ammonium Persulfate / Allows a delayed break down of the gel
Borate Salts / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases
Boric Acid / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases
Calcium Chloride / Product Stabilizer
Choline Chloride / Prevents clays from swelling or shifting
Citric Acid / Prevents precipitation of metal oxides
Copolymer of Acrylamide and Sodium Acrylate / Prevents scale deposits in the pipe
Ethanol / Product stabilizer and winterizing agent (right, Kyle?)
Ethylene Glycol / Product stabilizer or winterizing agent
Formic Acid / Prevents the corrosion of the pipe
Glutaraldehyde / Eliminates bacteria in the water
Guar Gum / Thickens the water in order to suspend the sand
Hydrochloric Acid / Helps dissolve minerals and initiate cracks in the rock
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for polyacrylamide friction reducer
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for guar gum in liquid gels
Hydrotreated Light Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for borate or zirconate crosslinker
Isopropanol / Product stabilizer or winterizing agent
Lauryl Sulfate / Used to increase the viscosity of the fracture fluid
Lauryl Sulfate / Used to prevent the formation of emulsions in the fracture fluid
Magnesium Oxide / Allows a delayed break down of the gel
Magnesium Peroxide / Allows a delayed break down of the gel
Methanol / Product stabilizer or winterizing agent (WRONG,KYLE!)
Naphthalene / Carrier fluid for the active surfactant ingredients
Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for borate or zirconate crosslinker
Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for guar gum in liquid gels
Petroleum Distillate / Carrier fluid for polyacrylamide friction reducer
Phosphonic Acid Salt / Prevents scale deposits in the pipe
Polyacrylamide / Slicks the water to minimize friction
Polysaccharide Blend / Thickens the water in order to suspend the sand
Potassium Carbonate / Adjusts the pH of fluid
Potassium Hydroxide / Adjusts the pH of fluid
Potassium Metaborate / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases
Quaternary Ammonium Chloride / Eliminates bacteria in the water
Sodium Carbonate / Adjusts the pH of fluid
Sodium Chloride / Prevents clays from swelling or shifting
Sodium Chloride / Product Stabilizer
Sodium Erythorbate / Prevents precipitation of metal oxides
Sodium Hydroxide / Adjusts the pH of fluid
Sodium Polycarboxylate N/A Prevents scale deposits in the pipe
Sodium Tetraborate / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases
Tetrakis Hydroxymethyl-Phosphonium Sulfate / Eliminates bacteria in the water
Tetramethyl ammonium chloride / Prevents clays from swelling or shifting
Thioglycolic Acid / Prevents precipitation of metal oxides
Triethanolamine Zirconate / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases
Zirconium Complex / Maintains fluid viscosity as temperature increases

But the North Carolina Senate has outlawed disclosure of the full list of compounds and chemicals contained in fracking fluid, because, move along, there’s nothing to see here, folks*.

*Except the fact that Duke Energy owns them like a 200 dollar a night hooker.

• Over the last 150 years, oceans have been rising at a rate of 0-12 inches per century (NASA 2007). The Antartic icecap, which is 90 percent of the earth ice mass is growing (U of A 2011-12).

Science doesn’t come from your ass, bimbo.

Carbon dioxide, CO2, is an invisible, odorless, colorless gas and industrial emissions are only about three percent of the natural land/sea emission (satellite data).

And Cyanide tastes like almonds and peach blossoms! huff you some! Just kidding. Whatever they tell you at, honey, don’t drive to work with a block of dry ice (CO2) in your car. It will odorlessly and tastelessly end your dumpy little life.

In 2009 Gore stated, “The sun and wind were free.” So, why does the government give our tax money to companies to produce sun and wind power?

I’ll just leave this here:

The scientific community is split on issues of global warming and from what I can ascertain from reviewing several scientific periodicals and viewpoints, I just don’t buy into the global warming mantra.

Stop. Just stop. You have already demonstrated a fundamental lack of awareness of how peer reviewed science works. Unless you intend to visit a hospital for a leech phlebectomy when your arsenic tainted water gives you an orange sized mass in your skull, shut up. Peer reviewed science gave us germ theory, antibiotics, modern nutrition, meteorology, diagnostics…

You’re either suffering from pellagra from eating improperly prepared grits, or you’re caught in a negative feedback loop of right wing shit-eating. You’re only hurting yourself.

In 1970, it was predicted we would be in the next ice age, “by 1985, because air pollution will have reduced the amount of sunlight reaching the earth by one half.” (Time Magazine 1970).
Scientists can make predictions and use models to support their theories, but that does not mean that the models or the theories are correct.

Well there goes the We didn’t come from no monkeys. argument

Technology and access to economical energy have made this nation a pillar of economic growth and opportunity for millions.

Except in Person County, where a handful of carpetbaggers have enriched themselves at the behest of many, many easily gulled wishful thinkers who have internalized the shit don’t stink, fire don’t burn philosophy of Ronald Reagan.

Without either we would still be enjoying the quality of life from 1870, which was prior to the to the introduction of the electric light.

In the 1870s you were far less likely to have a tumor rot off your lower jaw or grow into the pulmonary artery and asphyxiate you slowly and painfully, but you were stupid then, too. So as quality of life issues go, it’s a tossup.

Remember the last ice storm and not having power for several days? Imagine that as a continuous way of living.

If we don’t develop solar, the increase in climate change driven severe weather events will leave us shivering in the darkness when Duke Energy’s power lines get knocked down? Is that what you mean? If not, you’re an asshole.

So before we buy into frightening tactics and wacky science predictions, let’s continue to be good stewards of the resources we have and yet continue to find new and better ways to keep these resources available and affordable.

Says pro Amendment One teabag illiterate…

Hurdle Mills

Chairdouche, Person County Republican Party.

You went to Duke. These guys played at Duke. You know they shafted them. Flo and Eddie will never get that money.

I can’t even.


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