We’ve got enough sheep already, but they insist we need more. Last spring, we banded all the male lambs. Banding consists of slipping a four jawed plier that stretches a thing that looks like a dense gutta-percha Cheerio over the scrotum, snapping it into place above the testicles, then sliding the plier from beneath the band. Sounds easy, and it would be, if the animal were dead.
But the living ones resist.
A lot of farmers prefer surgical castration. We’ve used both methods here, and I believe the banding method poses fewer risks of sepsis. For people concerned about pain, I’d have to say I only screamed a couple of times before the whiskey kicked in; but as for the lambs, if you band them right after the testicles drop, they only appear to experience mild pain for a few minutes, then resume nursing or sleeping .
One area where surgical castration is radically better, is determining that both testicles are out of play. With banding sometimes a testicle will occasionally creep back beneath the band, or you’ll miss one while dealing with a struggling animal. We’ve got a few instances of that mishap currently fenced away from the rest of the flock, raining buckets of jizz on their fellow sufferers and themselves. It’s simply amazing what one nut can produce.
Poor Eva Braun.
When the ewes are in oestrus (love that British spelling. If we’d had a male child, I’d have considered it for a name) they walk up to the fence and wiggle it for the inmates. This particular set of unwethered males has hit on the gymnastic strategy of trying to snake it through the fence (see fig.2, below)
As you can see, it’s hell on a fence. Can’t be too easy on that ram’s penis either. I can’t think of a time in my life (well, maybe in my teens) when I’d have tried to get it through woven wire fencing. Alright, then, So I’m prone to exaggeration. But this looks painful to me.
Ultimately the ewes cycle out, and lose interest in lap dancing for these unfortunate fraternity pledges. But until the vet comes to finish the grisly job we started, the boys are left with erections that may exceed four hours in duration.
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November 20, 2008 at 11:59 am
The Subtle Rudder
This made me snort-laugh tea all over my keyboard. Thank god I’d already killed my fancy silver one with an unfortunate dollop of hummus. The old white one’s got so many stains and crumbs, I expect accidental liquids only make it stronger. Your unfortunate fraternity made my morning!
November 20, 2008 at 1:21 pm
coozledad
My wife and I both eat at our computers, and talk back and forth about what we’re reading. Unfortunately, we also drink at our computers, and I’ve drowned at least one keyboard. The one I’ve got now seems to have been engineered to anticipate my “spells”, and I haven’t shorted it out yet; but it’s unsightly. I need to run a toothbrush between the keys to dislodge some of the larger gobbets of old refritos, potato chips, and half-chewed Tings. I could probably grow corn on it.
November 20, 2008 at 4:23 pm
moe99
don’t emergency wards in San Francisco see patients with the kind of problems you’re talking about here? Only they’re self induced?
November 20, 2008 at 5:55 pm
coozledad
Moe: Apparently they make a banding tool large enough to castrate a full grown bull. We also own a large compound plier called an emasculatome. We’ve never used it, but I’ve seen a vet use one during a surgical castration to crush the vascular branches along the epididemis.
As James Brown famously said, I broke out in a cold sweat.
I always tell me wife she just bought it as a backup, in case I sprout a replacement pair. It looks like something developed for the goddamned inquisition.
I imagine there are many veterinary tools that have esoteric secondary uses.
November 21, 2008 at 11:31 am
The Subtle Rudder
“…a large compound plier called an emasculatome.”
My boyfriend just shivered via IM.
November 21, 2008 at 12:51 pm
coozledad
Yeah. Fortunately for humans the technique isn’t nearly so barbarous.I remember watching my uncle castrate a bull in a decrepit wooden headstall once. The anesthetic of choice was a can of Lysol, sprayed at close range to freeze the superficial nerves on the scrotum (side benefits include antiseptic properties and an herbal fresh scent).
My uncle and his assistant just managed to sever the testicles before the bull shattered his wooden confines to splinters and ran off looking for something to kill.
There are better ways.